Inward
I'm thinking, with my super-great perception, that my stages of self-doubt lead to extended self-analysis. Analysis. Yes, I do a lot of that. Not just of me, either, but of the people around me, of the environment and interaction: yet somehow, there's always something missing. I'm worried that taking so many tests will tie me to the results, that I won't be able to pull myself away from the perception they've created... Ah, good God.On to more interesting things. (Did that quiz mention something about not tolerating your own emotions?)
*clears throat* ... and now I realise that I have no idea what to write about.
A very similar feeling overcame me yesterday, sitting on the steps of my uncle's house with a cousin I like very much and very seldom see. What do you say? Anything, I know - there's a very good chance that spending 19 years in a semi-normal family will have given me the ability to form words without causing offence. Yet my mind was empty.
I was sitting, watching, not thinking precisely but bathing in an unconscious interpretation of the scene: a crowd of people, some related to me, some not, talking, laughing and eating to the music of Jack Johnson and the Black Seeds. Good humour (unrelated thought: have I come back sounding like an old English lady?). It was warm, inclusive, enveloping. Rose was next to me, sitting in silence, and I was just enjoying the spectacle. I've always assigned a very mellow feeling to that phrase, and now I wonder why it's so hard for me to describe what I was doing the same way: but that was what it was. Totally self-involved, and dedicated to internal pleasure rather than any kind of shared joy. I was thinking too much!
My sister sighs at me a lot. She laughs, and sighs. So do I, of course: it's the oldest child's prerogative. :-)
I've just read this entry back, and it's a bit of a shock how normal I sound. Self-criticism like this doesn't make me any less, just human. Why didn't I get that before?
posted by Anonymous @ 2:19 PM
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